Lauren Sapala

Category: Introverts, INFJs, and INFPs

  • Most Important INFJ and INFP Needs in Intimate Relationships

    Alone time

    INFJs and INFPs are almost always aware that we need alone time. However, the amount we need makes us feel guilty. In order for things to work for us in a relationship, the other person must understand that we’re not rejecting them when we go into hermit mode, we’re protecting ourselves from energy burnout.

    Freedom to have other connections/relationships

    Even though we find people exhausting, we are also constantly fascinated by them and seeking connections that light us up, tickle our brain, and inspire our muse, whether romantic or platonic. We are quite capable of faithful monogamy while ALSO being engaged in multiple relationships with all kinds of interesting people. Some of us also do well with polyamory. No matter what style of relationship we choose, it’s super important to us that we don’t have to deal with possessiveness or jealousy, which is extremely distressing for us if it pops up on a constant basis.

    Freedom to pursue solo activities

    INFJs and INFPs can only truly relax when we are alone, because it is only when we are alone that we can fully unplug from the expectations and emotions of other people. Most of us deeply enjoy traveling alone, going to the movies alone, exploring new neighborhoods alone, and staying home alone to engage in solitary hobbies. Our friends and partners must understand that we don’t engage in solo activities because we can’t find anyone else to do them with us, but that it’s a choice we freely and enthusiastically make for ourselves.

    No pressure to do activities

    Although we are introverts, we do occasionally like to socialize, with the right people. However, we hate being pressured into it. We hate being pressured into anything, in fact, but being pressured into activities is the worst. We might want to go to game night with you, but it has to be our choice and we have to feel like we are making that choice because we genuinely want to do it, not out of obligation. When an INFJ and INFP feels obligated to something for too long, we will eventually kick back against it by slamming the door on it forever.

    Understanding that our creative life is a top priority

    Our writing is not a “hobby.” Our painting is not something we’re doing “just because.” Our drive to make things and create is not fueled by boredom or wanting to have something to do on the weekends with a group. We create because if we don’t create we feel like we’re dying inside. It’s a non-negotiable need, not a luxury.

    Respect for our emotional center

    INFJs and INFPs present as quiet and controlled in most settings. However, we have a strong and deep emotional center. Before we can get to the truth of any matter, we have to go through our emotions first, and then we can go into evaluation and decision-making. Anyone we are in a relationship must understand that we view our emotional center as a tried-and-true compass that shows us where the energy is flowing, and where it is most definitely NOT flowing. Those who dismiss us (and our emotions) as “too intense” or “irrational” will never be a good fit for us long term.

    Respect for our intuition

    Intuition is also a compass for INFJs and INFPs. In fact, it could even be categorized as THE compass that rules our lives. We get feelings about things. We get hunches and nudges. We feel tingles and tickles and whispers. And we can rarely explain any of this to anyone else. But our feelings often turn out to be right and we need you to trust us on that. We need to you back us, support us, and believe in our intuition, because most of us have had way too many relationships where we’ve been gaslit, ignored, and made to feel like what we’re feeling just isn’t real.

    Acknowledgment of our need for constant growth

    INFJs and INFPs are growth-oriented to the core. We (quietly) want to do big things with our lives. We want to challenge ourselves and level up our consciousness. We want to explore new people, new places, and new ideas. We want to constantly test the limits of our own comfort zones. Stagnation feels worse than anything. We need you to want to grow too. If your sole aim in life is to stay as safe and secure as humanly possible, then you are not going to be a match for an INFJ or an INFP.

    Understanding of our deep sensitivity

    INFJs and INFPs feel everything. We feel our stuff, your stuff, and anyone else’s stuff who wanders into our space. We cry, regularly. We get insanely angry about injustice and oppression in the world. We brood over the dysfunction we see so clearly in the relationships of other people. We are heartbroken when we finish writing a story and have to say goodbye to the characters. We swoon over our favorite chocolate or tea. We…are…SENSITIVE. It’s the way we are, it’s not gonna change, and if it triggers you, then it’s another sign that an INFJ or an INFP is not your best match.

    I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

  • 8 Ways INFJs and INFPs Feel Misunderstood by the World

    1. Our opinion is determined by all the different sides we can see on an issue. This doesn’t mean we don’t have an opinion. It means that our opinion changes depending on what side we are looking at.

    This makes us feel that, while we striving for fairness, others see us as not fully committed or flaky.

    2. We very quickly can understand the deeper layers of anyone we meet. However, very few other people can understand our deeper layers—or even try.

    This makes us well-aware of the fact that, while other people feel seen by us, we just feel lonely.

    3. We are deep thinkers, not fast talkers. By the time we’ve formulated what we want to say, the other party has moved on.

    This leaves us feeling unheard, and the other person is completely oblivious.

    4. We have intense feelings but we don’t usually talk about them. Other people routinely remark on how quiet we are, or sometimes don’t even seem to see us at all.

    This makes us feel that other people are seeing us as something we are not, but we also feel powerless to correct their perception.

    5. We form soul connections in romantic relationships, even if the relationship is brief. If these relationships end, it takes us much longer than the average person to heal and move on. Other people often don’t understand this and question why it’s so hard for us to “get over it.”

    This makes us feel like something is wrong with the way we attach to people, and also unable to share our experiences with others.

    6. We get insights and information through inner images and feelings, most of which are non-verbal. It’s difficult to translate our hunches and intuitive sensations to other people in a logical way and so many people ignore our precognitive ability.

    This puts us in the position of making us feel like the prophet whose prophecies are never believed.

    7. Living a meaningful life is more important to us than making money or gaining status or societal approval. This is in direct opposition to the way the majority of the population approaches life.

    This highlights how our values clash with the mainstream, and can make us question our truth and purpose for living.

    8. Even when we are very angry or upset with someone, we still consider their feelings and endeavor not to cause them any harm. Although we know it takes great amounts of inner strength to restrain ourselves in these types of situations, we are also aware that others often judge us as “weak” or a “pushover” because they think we’re not standing up for ourselves.

    This makes us feel like our form of strength is dismissed by others and judged as a flaw.

    I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

  • Most Common Roles Played by INFJs and INFPs in Dysfunctional Families

    In dysfunctional family systems, roles are assigned to family members which they unconsciously accept in order to continue to be part of the family. Those who rebel against their assigned role are punished by other family members as a way to make them “fall back in line.”

    INFJ and INFP people are often either assigned the role of the scapegoat or the mediator. Taking on the identity of these roles keeps us small, and also traps us in our dysfunctional family dynamic.

    Most INFJs and INFPs don’t realize we’ve been living in these roles until we are well into adulthood and have put some distance between ourselves and our dysfunctional family.

    These are the most common roles played by INFJs and INFPs in dysfunctional families:

    Scapegoat

    The Crazy One

    Mom or Dad’s Helper

    Mom or Dad’s Surrogate Spouse (INFJ men, in particular, tend to be forced into the role of Mom’s Surrogate Spouse.)

    Little Parent (to siblings)

    Rebel / Transgressor (More INFPs than INFJs take on this role.)

    Mediator / Counselor

    The Invisible One

    The Good One

    Super-Achiever

    The Pure One / Virtuous One / Religious One

    Mom or Dad’s Buddy

    The Enabler / Co-Conspirator

    Each of these roles is based on a false self, constructed partially by the individual and partially by the expectations placed on them, as well as other cues that come from family members. It can be extremely difficult to break out of these roles if the INFJ or INFP has never known anything else.

    Getting to know our true self is the key to freeing ourselves from continuing to play dysfunctional family roles.

    I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

  • Things That Are Easy (and Things That Are Hard) for INFJs and INFPs

     

    I put together the following lists for a recent class I taught and my INF students loved them so much I decided to share them with everyone…

     

    Things That Are Hard for INFJs and INFPs

    (These are all things that can create deep stress.)

    Talking on the phone

    Making small talk

    Talking to many different people in one day

    Rapid transitions

    Skipping our routines

    Skipping meals

    Skipping rest

    Skipping breaks

    Multi-tasking

    Doing lots of little, shallow tasks

    Being watched

    Being questioned with judgmental energy

    Having lots of obligations

    Deadlines (depending on context)

    Convincing or persuading people

    Making other people do things they don’t want to do

    Arguing

     

    Things That Are Easy for INFJs and INFPs

    Listening

    Understanding someone else’s point of view

    Being non-judgmental

    Reading / researching

    Interpreting symbolism

    Identifying patterns / themes

    Improving systems (especially with a human focus)

    Holding space

    Encouraging others towards growth

    Shaping future visions

    Helping other people make sense of their emotions

    Observing what is hidden

    Forming one-on-one empathic connections

    Harmonizing group dynamics

    Working as a channel / vessel for energy

     

    I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

  • Are INFJs and INFPs Too “Woo”?

    Are INFJs and INFPs Too “Woo”?

    INFJ personality types and INFP personality types frequently are labeled as too “woo-woo,” by non-intuitive types. Because of this, many of us feel like we are too weird to fit in, or like our ideas are too radical for the mainstream. INFJs and INFPs are frequently interested in subjects like astrology, the tarot, energy work, healing with crystals, and other fringe ideas. To us, these subjects are intriguing and can help us understand the world in a deeper way, but they may be threatening to friends and family members. (more…)