Many INFJs and INFPs grow up with trauma due to being raised in a situation where the entire family has narcissistic dynamics at play, or dealing with just one caregiver or sibling who is narcissistic, codependent, or consistently violates boundaries. The ongoing trauma that INFJs and INFPs suffer in their household as they are growing up often pushes them to live primarily from the role of a survival archetype.
INFJ personality types and INFP personality types tend to have a different experience of the midlife transition than other mainstream personality types. Since the midlife transition is not something that is celebrated in Western culture, it can be a difficult period of life for mainstream personality types. These more traditional types may feel like they’re losing their youth, beauty, and status in society.
INFJ personality types and INFP personality types tend to be less attached to youth and beauty, and they also don’t tend to value their status role in society as much as other types do. Instead, INFJ personality types and INFP personality types value growth and individuation. Since midlife is one of the best times to tune into the potential for growth and individuation, INFJ personality types and INFP personality types tend to go through big identity shifts in midlife, and they also tend to welcome these shifts.
Many INFJ personality types and INFP personality types grow up in homes where enmeshment is a common occurrence. Enmeshment is a form of codependency that is not often talked about in relation to narcissism, but it is strongly linked to narcissistic family dynamics.
With enmeshment, the boundaries between family members (especially parents and children) are vague, blurred, unpredictable, and constantly changing. In an enmeshed parent-child relationship, the parent consistently merges their energy with the energy of the child. They expect the child to share their preferences, needs, attitudes, goals, and motivations. If the child attempts to pull away, assert a boundary in any way, or individuate as a person, the parent will punish the child, either overtly or passively-aggressively. The usual weapon of choice for parents who are enmeshed with their children is to coldly and silently withdraw their love until the child “falls in line” and stops trying to assert a boundary against the parent.
INFJ personality types and INFP personality types frequently struggle with caregiving for an aging narcissist parent. This is a very difficult situation to be in with a close family member, especially a parent, because the INFJ or INFP must be in regular contact with the narcissist, and with all of their dysfunctional behavioral patterns.
Added to this is the fact that, for most INFJ personality types and INFP personality types who grew up with a narcissistic parent, they have never felt truly seen or validated by the parent. This pattern of feeling dismissed, ignored, mocked, or shamed, only becomes stronger as the parent reaches old age. Narcissists are often arrested at a certain early stage of development, and they do not grow past that stage of emotional immaturity. As they age, the dysfunctional energy patterns they use to defensively protect their fragile egos become calcified, and their toxic personality traits become entrenched.
INFJ personality types are idealist personality types, and this extends to all areas of life. When an INFJ personality type focuses on what type of career they would like to pursue, one of the first things they consider is how well a potential job lines up with their idealist values.
Many INFJ personality types (and INFP personality types) have an idealized vision in their mind of what their dream job would look like. This idealized vision is strongly tied to the value system of the INFJ or the INFP, and because this is so important to INFJs and INFPs, they often overlook red flags that the job may not actually be a good fit for them.