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Lauren Sapala

8 Ways INFJs and INFPs Feel Misunderstood by the World

1. Our opinion is determined by all the different sides we can see on an issue. This doesn’t mean we don’t have an opinion. It means that our opinion changes depending on what side we are looking at.

This makes us feel that, while we striving for fairness, others see us as not fully committed or flaky.

2. We very quickly can understand the deeper layers of anyone we meet. However, very few other people can understand our deeper layers—or even try.

This makes us well-aware of the fact that, while other people feel seen by us, we just feel lonely.

3. We are deep thinkers, not fast talkers. By the time we’ve formulated what we want to say, the other party has moved on.

This leaves us feeling unheard, and the other person is completely oblivious.

4. We have intense feelings but we don’t usually talk about them. Other people routinely remark on how quiet we are, or sometimes don’t even seem to see us at all.

This makes us feel that other people are seeing us as something we are not, but we also feel powerless to correct their perception.

5. We form soul connections in romantic relationships, even if the relationship is brief. If these relationships end, it takes us much longer than the average person to heal and move on. Other people often don’t understand this and question why it’s so hard for us to “get over it.”

This makes us feel like something is wrong with the way we attach to people, and also unable to share our experiences with others.

6. We get insights and information through inner images and feelings, most of which are non-verbal. It’s difficult to translate our hunches and intuitive sensations to other people in a logical way and so many people ignore our precognitive ability.

This puts us in the position of making us feel like the prophet whose prophecies are never believed.

7. Living a meaningful life is more important to us than making money or gaining status or societal approval. This is in direct opposition to the way the majority of the population approaches life.

This highlights how our values clash with the mainstream, and can make us question our truth and purpose for living.

8. Even when we are very angry or upset with someone, we still consider their feelings and endeavor not to cause them any harm. Although we know it takes great amounts of inner strength to restrain ourselves in these types of situations, we are also aware that others often judge us as “weak” or a “pushover” because they think we’re not standing up for ourselves.

This makes us feel like our form of strength is dismissed by others and judged as a flaw.

I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

Most Common Roles Played by INFJs and INFPs in Dysfunctional Families

In dysfunctional family systems, roles are assigned to family members which they unconsciously accept in order to continue to be part of the family. Those who rebel against their assigned role are punished by other family members as a way to make them “fall back in line.”

INFJ and INFP people are often either assigned the role of the scapegoat or the mediator. Taking on the identity of these roles keeps us small, and also traps us in our dysfunctional family dynamic.

Most INFJs and INFPs don’t realize we’ve been living in these roles until we are well into adulthood and have put some distance between ourselves and our dysfunctional family.

These are the most common roles played by INFJs and INFPs in dysfunctional families:

Scapegoat

The Crazy One

Mom or Dad’s Helper

Mom or Dad’s Surrogate Spouse (INFJ men, in particular, tend to be forced into the role of Mom’s Surrogate Spouse.)

Little Parent (to siblings)

Rebel / Transgressor (More INFPs than INFJs take on this role.)

Mediator / Counselor

The Invisible One

The Good One

Super-Achiever

The Pure One / Virtuous One / Religious One

Mom or Dad’s Buddy

The Enabler / Co-Conspirator

Each of these roles is based on a false self, constructed partially by the individual and partially by the expectations placed on them, as well as other cues that come from family members. It can be extremely difficult to break out of these roles if the INFJ or INFP has never known anything else.

Getting to know our true self is the key to freeing ourselves from continuing to play dysfunctional family roles.

I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

Things That Are Easy (and Things That Are Hard) for INFJs and INFPs

 

I put together the following lists for a recent class I taught and my INF students loved them so much I decided to share them with everyone…

 

Things That Are Hard for INFJs and INFPs

(These are all things that can create deep stress.)

Talking on the phone

Making small talk

Talking to many different people in one day

Rapid transitions

Skipping our routines

Skipping meals

Skipping rest

Skipping breaks

Multi-tasking

Doing lots of little, shallow tasks

Being watched

Being questioned with judgmental energy

Having lots of obligations

Deadlines (depending on context)

Convincing or persuading people

Making other people do things they don’t want to do

Arguing

 

Things That Are Easy for INFJs and INFPs

Listening

Understanding someone else’s point of view

Being non-judgmental

Reading / researching

Interpreting symbolism

Identifying patterns / themes

Improving systems (especially with a human focus)

Holding space

Encouraging others towards growth

Shaping future visions

Helping other people make sense of their emotions

Observing what is hidden

Forming one-on-one empathic connections

Harmonizing group dynamics

Working as a channel / vessel for energy

 

I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

My New Novel Released Today!

My new novel, Resurrect the Dead, just released today!

As with most of my fiction, this one is dark. And psychological. And dancing right on the edge of transgressive.

Here’s the description from the back cover if you’re interested in checking it out:

Roger is the only father Alex has ever known, although he’s not much of a father. Years after coming back from Vietnam, Roger is severely disabled, and dependent on Alex just to get by every day. A loner by nature, Alex hardly notices that he doesn’t lead a normal teenage life. Dealing with Roger’s mental breakdowns is a routine part of his existence. Heavy metal is one of his only escapes, as well as the clearing in the woods behind his trailer park. The clearing is a space that feels like his own private world, and it’s also his special place with Alyssa, his best and only friend.

With every day that passes, Roger’s health fails a little more, and Alex begins to fixate on the big questions that Roger has always avoided: Where is Alex’s mother? Why can he barely remember her? And why did she abandon her young son so long ago? When Alex and Alyssa finally get the chance to run away together, Alex decides to investigate his mother’s past and he finds something he never expected. The truth shatters him to the core, and triggers a chain of events that has explosive consequences for everyone, setting Alex on a fated path that changes him forever.

You can get it from Amazon in paperback:

RESURRECT THE DEAD PAPERBACK

Or Kindle:

RESURRECT THE DEAD KINDLE

Happy reading! 🙂

Are INFJs and INFPs Too “Woo”?

INFJ personality types and INFP personality types frequently are labeled as too “woo-woo,” by non-intuitive types. Because of this, many of us feel like we are too weird to fit in, or like our ideas are too radical for the mainstream. INFJs and INFPs are frequently interested in subjects like astrology, the tarot, energy work, healing with crystals, and other fringe ideas. To us, these subjects are intriguing and can help us understand the world in a deeper way, but they may be threatening to friends and family members. Continue Reading