In dysfunctional family systems, roles are assigned to family members which they unconsciously accept in order to continue to be part of the family. Those who rebel against their assigned role are punished by other family members as a way to make them “fall back in line.”
INFJ and INFP people are often either assigned the role of the scapegoat or the mediator. Taking on the identity of these roles keeps us small, and also traps us in our dysfunctional family dynamic.
Most INFJs and INFPs don’t realize we’ve been living in these roles until we are well into adulthood and have put some distance between ourselves and our dysfunctional family.
These are the most common roles played by INFJs and INFPs in dysfunctional families:
Scapegoat
The Crazy One
Mom or Dad’s Helper
Mom or Dad’s Surrogate Spouse (INFJ men, in particular, tend to be forced into the role of Mom’s Surrogate Spouse.)
Little Parent (to siblings)
Rebel / Transgressor (More INFPs than INFJs take on this role.)
Mediator / Counselor
The Invisible One
The Good One
Super-Achiever
The Pure One / Virtuous One / Religious One
Mom or Dad’s Buddy
The Enabler / Co-Conspirator
Each of these roles is based on a false self, constructed partially by the individual and partially by the expectations placed on them, as well as other cues that come from family members. It can be extremely difficult to break out of these roles if the INFJ or INFP has never known anything else.
Getting to know our true self is the key to freeing ourselves from continuing to play dysfunctional family roles.
I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.
