Alone time
INFJs and INFPs are almost always aware that we need alone time. However, the amount we need makes us feel guilty. In order for things to work for us in a relationship, the other person must understand that we’re not rejecting them when we go into hermit mode, we’re protecting ourselves from energy burnout.
Freedom to have other connections/relationships
Even though we find people exhausting, we are also constantly fascinated by them and seeking connections that light us up, tickle our brain, and inspire our muse, whether romantic or platonic. We are quite capable of faithful monogamy while ALSO being engaged in multiple relationships with all kinds of interesting people. Some of us also do well with polyamory. No matter what style of relationship we choose, it’s super important to us that we don’t have to deal with possessiveness or jealousy, which is extremely distressing for us if it pops up on a constant basis.
Freedom to pursue solo activities
INFJs and INFPs can only truly relax when we are alone, because it is only when we are alone that we can fully unplug from the expectations and emotions of other people. Most of us deeply enjoy traveling alone, going to the movies alone, exploring new neighborhoods alone, and staying home alone to engage in solitary hobbies. Our friends and partners must understand that we don’t engage in solo activities because we can’t find anyone else to do them with us, but that it’s a choice we freely and enthusiastically make for ourselves.
No pressure to do activities
Although we are introverts, we do occasionally like to socialize, with the right people. However, we hate being pressured into it. We hate being pressured into anything, in fact, but being pressured into activities is the worst. We might want to go to game night with you, but it has to be our choice and we have to feel like we are making that choice because we genuinely want to do it, not out of obligation. When an INFJ and INFP feels obligated to something for too long, we will eventually kick back against it by slamming the door on it forever.
Understanding that our creative life is a top priority
Our writing is not a “hobby.” Our painting is not something we’re doing “just because.” Our drive to make things and create is not fueled by boredom or wanting to have something to do on the weekends with a group. We create because if we don’t create we feel like we’re dying inside. It’s a non-negotiable need, not a luxury.
Respect for our emotional center
INFJs and INFPs present as quiet and controlled in most settings. However, we have a strong and deep emotional center. Before we can get to the truth of any matter, we have to go through our emotions first, and then we can go into evaluation and decision-making. Anyone we are in a relationship must understand that we view our emotional center as a tried-and-true compass that shows us where the energy is flowing, and where it is most definitely NOT flowing. Those who dismiss us (and our emotions) as “too intense” or “irrational” will never be a good fit for us long term.
Respect for our intuition
Intuition is also a compass for INFJs and INFPs. In fact, it could even be categorized as THE compass that rules our lives. We get feelings about things. We get hunches and nudges. We feel tingles and tickles and whispers. And we can rarely explain any of this to anyone else. But our feelings often turn out to be right and we need you to trust us on that. We need to you back us, support us, and believe in our intuition, because most of us have had way too many relationships where we’ve been gaslit, ignored, and made to feel like what we’re feeling just isn’t real.
Acknowledgment of our need for constant growth
INFJs and INFPs are growth-oriented to the core. We (quietly) want to do big things with our lives. We want to challenge ourselves and level up our consciousness. We want to explore new people, new places, and new ideas. We want to constantly test the limits of our own comfort zones. Stagnation feels worse than anything. We need you to want to grow too. If your sole aim in life is to stay as safe and secure as humanly possible, then you are not going to be a match for an INFJ or an INFP.
Understanding of our deep sensitivity
INFJs and INFPs feel everything. We feel our stuff, your stuff, and anyone else’s stuff who wanders into our space. We cry, regularly. We get insanely angry about injustice and oppression in the world. We brood over the dysfunction we see so clearly in the relationships of other people. We are heartbroken when we finish writing a story and have to say goodbye to the characters. We swoon over our favorite chocolate or tea. We…are…SENSITIVE. It’s the way we are, it’s not gonna change, and if it triggers you, then it’s another sign that an INFJ or an INFP is not your best match.
I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.
