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infj relationships

Most Important INFJ and INFP Needs in Intimate Relationships

Alone time

INFJs and INFPs are almost always aware that we need alone time. However, the amount we need makes us feel guilty. In order for things to work for us in a relationship, the other person must understand that we’re not rejecting them when we go into hermit mode, we’re protecting ourselves from energy burnout.

Freedom to have other connections/relationships

Even though we find people exhausting, we are also constantly fascinated by them and seeking connections that light us up, tickle our brain, and inspire our muse, whether romantic or platonic. We are quite capable of faithful monogamy while ALSO being engaged in multiple relationships with all kinds of interesting people. Some of us also do well with polyamory. No matter what style of relationship we choose, it’s super important to us that we don’t have to deal with possessiveness or jealousy, which is extremely distressing for us if it pops up on a constant basis.

Freedom to pursue solo activities

INFJs and INFPs can only truly relax when we are alone, because it is only when we are alone that we can fully unplug from the expectations and emotions of other people. Most of us deeply enjoy traveling alone, going to the movies alone, exploring new neighborhoods alone, and staying home alone to engage in solitary hobbies. Our friends and partners must understand that we don’t engage in solo activities because we can’t find anyone else to do them with us, but that it’s a choice we freely and enthusiastically make for ourselves.

No pressure to do activities

Although we are introverts, we do occasionally like to socialize, with the right people. However, we hate being pressured into it. We hate being pressured into anything, in fact, but being pressured into activities is the worst. We might want to go to game night with you, but it has to be our choice and we have to feel like we are making that choice because we genuinely want to do it, not out of obligation. When an INFJ and INFP feels obligated to something for too long, we will eventually kick back against it by slamming the door on it forever.

Understanding that our creative life is a top priority

Our writing is not a “hobby.” Our painting is not something we’re doing “just because.” Our drive to make things and create is not fueled by boredom or wanting to have something to do on the weekends with a group. We create because if we don’t create we feel like we’re dying inside. It’s a non-negotiable need, not a luxury.

Respect for our emotional center

INFJs and INFPs present as quiet and controlled in most settings. However, we have a strong and deep emotional center. Before we can get to the truth of any matter, we have to go through our emotions first, and then we can go into evaluation and decision-making. Anyone we are in a relationship must understand that we view our emotional center as a tried-and-true compass that shows us where the energy is flowing, and where it is most definitely NOT flowing. Those who dismiss us (and our emotions) as “too intense” or “irrational” will never be a good fit for us long term.

Respect for our intuition

Intuition is also a compass for INFJs and INFPs. In fact, it could even be categorized as THE compass that rules our lives. We get feelings about things. We get hunches and nudges. We feel tingles and tickles and whispers. And we can rarely explain any of this to anyone else. But our feelings often turn out to be right and we need you to trust us on that. We need to you back us, support us, and believe in our intuition, because most of us have had way too many relationships where we’ve been gaslit, ignored, and made to feel like what we’re feeling just isn’t real.

Acknowledgment of our need for constant growth

INFJs and INFPs are growth-oriented to the core. We (quietly) want to do big things with our lives. We want to challenge ourselves and level up our consciousness. We want to explore new people, new places, and new ideas. We want to constantly test the limits of our own comfort zones. Stagnation feels worse than anything. We need you to want to grow too. If your sole aim in life is to stay as safe and secure as humanly possible, then you are not going to be a match for an INFJ or an INFP.

Understanding of our deep sensitivity

INFJs and INFPs feel everything. We feel our stuff, your stuff, and anyone else’s stuff who wanders into our space. We cry, regularly. We get insanely angry about injustice and oppression in the world. We brood over the dysfunction we see so clearly in the relationships of other people. We are heartbroken when we finish writing a story and have to say goodbye to the characters. We swoon over our favorite chocolate or tea. We…are…SENSITIVE. It’s the way we are, it’s not gonna change, and if it triggers you, then it’s another sign that an INFJ or an INFP is not your best match.

I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

8 Ways INFJs and INFPs Feel Misunderstood by the World

1. Our opinion is determined by all the different sides we can see on an issue. This doesn’t mean we don’t have an opinion. It means that our opinion changes depending on what side we are looking at.

This makes us feel that, while we striving for fairness, others see us as not fully committed or flaky.

2. We very quickly can understand the deeper layers of anyone we meet. However, very few other people can understand our deeper layers—or even try.

This makes us well-aware of the fact that, while other people feel seen by us, we just feel lonely.

3. We are deep thinkers, not fast talkers. By the time we’ve formulated what we want to say, the other party has moved on.

This leaves us feeling unheard, and the other person is completely oblivious.

4. We have intense feelings but we don’t usually talk about them. Other people routinely remark on how quiet we are, or sometimes don’t even seem to see us at all.

This makes us feel that other people are seeing us as something we are not, but we also feel powerless to correct their perception.

5. We form soul connections in romantic relationships, even if the relationship is brief. If these relationships end, it takes us much longer than the average person to heal and move on. Other people often don’t understand this and question why it’s so hard for us to “get over it.”

This makes us feel like something is wrong with the way we attach to people, and also unable to share our experiences with others.

6. We get insights and information through inner images and feelings, most of which are non-verbal. It’s difficult to translate our hunches and intuitive sensations to other people in a logical way and so many people ignore our precognitive ability.

This puts us in the position of making us feel like the prophet whose prophecies are never believed.

7. Living a meaningful life is more important to us than making money or gaining status or societal approval. This is in direct opposition to the way the majority of the population approaches life.

This highlights how our values clash with the mainstream, and can make us question our truth and purpose for living.

8. Even when we are very angry or upset with someone, we still consider their feelings and endeavor not to cause them any harm. Although we know it takes great amounts of inner strength to restrain ourselves in these types of situations, we are also aware that others often judge us as “weak” or a “pushover” because they think we’re not standing up for ourselves.

This makes us feel like our form of strength is dismissed by others and judged as a flaw.

I teach a new class for INFJs and INFPs every month where we cover topics like these and more for INF people. To get all the updates about new classes and workshops, be sure to sign up for my newsletter here.

INFJ and INFP Personality Types and Frenemies

INFJ personality types and INFP personality types often attract people who want to form friendships, but who also give mixed messages. These messages may include:

“I like you,” and “I’m jealous / threatened by you.”

Or, “we’re friends,” but “I want to see you fail.”

This type of “friend” is known as a “frenemy,” because they embody traits of a friend, and also traits of an enemy. The mixed messages that INFJ personality types and INFP personality types receive in these types of friendships are very confusing and hurtful, and we usually internalize the messages and blame ourselves. Continue Reading

Do INFJs and INFPs Live Odd Lifestyles?

INFJ personality types and INFP personality types tend to be accommodating when young, and then we become more unconventional with age. As we ease into the midlife transition (also known as the “midlife awakening”) we may explore polyamory or unconventional partnerships with others. We also might travel or move more than other people, or live on the fringes of society. Continue Reading

Do INFJs Attract Betrayal?

INFJ personality types and INFP personality types often feel unseen and unheard in relationships. They also share a pattern of abandonment and betrayal in relationships. Most INFJ personality types and INFP personality types understand that this pattern is a pattern that they also experienced in childhood, when one or both parents were untrustworthy and/or emotionally unavailable, but they don’t understand why they keep repeating the pattern in adulthood. They also don’t understand why it seems they actually attract people who will end up betraying them, including narcissistic and other manipulative personality types. Continue Reading